My Heart is Heavy

I’ve been planning this post for a while. I know the funeral was January 12th, but I wanted to post the few shots I was able to take along with the post. I wasn’t allowed to take many pictures, I had to frantically snap the few I did before the funeral started. Last night I was brainstorming about what I wanted to say. I was trying to organize my thoughts and feelings. I felt like I had a good idea about what I wanted to say until…

I AWOKE THIS MORNING and my husband and I heard the news about the patrol officer who was murdered.

I lost all my thoughts. I was speechless. What was I going to say. I think the news just about pushed my husband and I over the edge.

Many of you already know this, but my husband is a Police Officer working in the City of Seattle.

I remember the day when my husband told me he wanted to be a police officer. I felt good about it. I knew it was the right job for him. We both knew it would be dangerous, we knew it would be emotionally hard at times and that the shifts are bad BUT

WE NEVER EXPECTED WHAT WAS TO COME, WE NEVER EXPECTED SO MANY DEATHS, SO MANY COLD BLOODED MURDERS.

IT HURTS SO BAD.

It is hard to talk about this funeral when another officer just died.

It is hard to face this.

AGAIN

The other two funerals were awful. You can read my thoughts about them HERE. I sobbed during the funerals. Tears were streaming down my face, but their children and family members will always know that they are heroes. Ricks funeral was different because it was a suicide. What if the children blame themselves. What if his wife does. They might question why he did what he did, and my heart ached thinking about this.

I believe in life after death and I felt sad for Rick. He must be regretting his decision. I sobbed, when I watched his family enter the room. I sobbed for them. I sobbed because of this tragedy. I sobbed for my husband, having to see someone he worked with pass away like this.

And now, I am going to sob again. For this patrol officer.

How are we going to get through this?

Do I send him off to work each day with fear that he may not come home?

I said something to my husband that I regret today. When Rick died. I told my husband that if another officer dies, I just don’t know if he should do what he does anymore.

I’m sorry

I didn’t expect another death so soon.

I LOVE my husband. He supports me, he takes care of me. He is my eternal companion. I am honored by what he does each day. His JOB is HARD. IT IS STRESSFUL. It is draining. I haven’t lost faith in my heavenly father. I still believe in prayer. I know that we will get through another death. I know that my husband will be OK, but RIGHT NOW it’s DIFFICULT. My heart is heavy and I am tired of the weight.

I’m begging, for my husbands sake and for all the other police officers sake that we give our full support to them and recognize their selfless sacrifice that they freely give to keep us safe each day.



2 Comments

  1. I hope your husband continues to be a police officer. He is an honorable man and we need more like him in law enforcement. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones in the line of duty and to the officers who serve with them.
    Sending loving thoughts to you and your family today.

  2. natalie smith wrote:

    those are amazing pictures. captures the feelings there perfectly kali!