I cried this week.

I cried this week. No, I’m not pregnant. Thanks for asking. I’m not a big crier but It happens every once in a while. For a moment I thought I shouldn’t share that fact with you, but I brushed that away. I need to share it. I hate myself when I am not real and try to pretend like I can handle everything when in reality…I can’t. Some days it all just catches up to me. Mid wedding season is great and wonderful and absolutely stressful while it swallows me into the depths of the seemingly black hole that appears to have no escape and no end.

I picked up the phone and called my husband aka my saving grace, the only reason I am able to manage my photography business, motherhood and all my other crazy hobbies. He KNOWS when I need him. He picks up the slack and does things that I didn’t know where possible for a guy. I called him and let all the frustration escape. I told him I was done with photography. (I say those words at least a few times during the busy season) I told him I can’t do it anymore. I drove all the way to Seattle to meet a potential Bride for next year and to check out a wedding venue for an upcoming wedding and realized I left my wallet at home. I was meeting the bride for lunch. I also needed to pay for parking.

I was NOT crying because I left my wallet at home. I was crying because everything had caught up to me. All the editing that needed to be done. Batteries needing to be charged. Memory cards cleaned off and backed up. Where to find time to get inspiration for my shoots. Babysitters to watch my kids. Feeling guilty about leaving my kids and missing important stuff they have. DVD’s to burn. Invoices to write. Emails to reply to. Checking out locations. Finding the right locations for the shoots I am doing. Going over itineraries with brides. Booking flights. Blogging my work. I promise you there is more. I was crying because it had, at that moment, all piled up and become too much. I cried because I am a human being.

The bride I met was amazing. She paid for my parking and lunch. She was sweet and kind. I went home and hugged Lena and Dane. My husband had cleaned up and started dinner. I smiled and realized how crazy I would be if I didn’t let out some tears today. I realized that I cried because I care about what I do. I care about being a good mother and I care about getting my work done and doing a good job at it. My cry was not because I am weak and vulnerable. My cry was because I have a strong desire to do the best I can. My cry reminded me that I am capable.

Instagram picture taken by me with my self timer ap. Follow me on Instagram @kaliluphoto to see my life in pictures.

 



3 Comments

  1. natalie smith wrote:

    thanks for being you! you are amazing at all you do! and…you are blessed with a great hubby!

  2. Anna F wrote:

    I can so relate to this on a number of levels! The crying because you care so much, the needing to do something that fills you up but not wanting to be there for your littles every step of the way. I love photography so much, and I said forever I had no desire to do it as anymore then a hobby because I didn’t want the life that I saw my photographer friends have. But then I got the itch and decided to I did want to. Doing that really pushed me to a whole new level of skill and understanding of the photographer world. But then I was editing a shoot I’d done for a non-profit group, a kids fashion show, engrossed in what I was doing, the were playing nicely right… Kara had been cutting paper, and when she got done cutting paper she went outside and cut hole in the trampoline net and the curtains on the playhouse. I decided to go back to my original plan, photography is a great hobby and there will be a season in my life that I can really develop it to a high level but they time is not now. You are amazingly strong to do all that you do and it’s a beautiful thing that you have a husband that walks hand in hand with you, that’s the fruit of a covenant marriage and a life centered on Christ.

  3. Brittany wrote:

    You are amazing and not alone. Reading your post gave me relief that I am not alone. As a mother and running a business the work is never over. Thank you for sharing, it was inspiring to me that it is all part of growing and learning. Good luck!